So is this what growing up is?

Um, were to start. I have been through a lot of changes in the past, let’s say year or so. Things have not gone the way I just knew that they would. The important things in my life are not the same they were 2 years ago, a year; I would dare to say 6 months ago. The main thing that is pulling me in one direction is to be at home. Not to work and have another baby. The moms that love their job and love their family: they are lucky. The moms that are able to stay at home with their children and have husband that do whatever it takes to allow them to be at home and they love being at home: they are really lucky. I am jealous of those moms. The moms who are not happy at home with their kids and wish that they were able to work a “job”: they are not lucky. The moms like ME that are working and HATE everything about work and are not able to be with their children: They are really unlucky! I am not sure that I really hate work or the place that I work per say as much as I am just not happy. At a point in my life, I liked coming to work it was my adult time and then I came home to the kids. We have mommy and kid time and then bed time. Weekends were family time with a few birthday parties and what not thrown in on a Saturday afternoon about one a month.




About 6 months ago, when I knew things were changing with me, I enrolled in school. Thinking maybe this is a goal that I can have and still work but all that did was stress me out because I did not want to half ass it. At that point I had the kids, Joe (the husband), driving to work (60 miles one way) and home alone (think gas$, time in the car, wear and tear on the car, and the MILES oh the miles I have put on that car), Thirty-One, a class (an online class, but class none the less), court issues, money issues which were because of the court issues, and I am sure there were other things going on that were important at the time but are not now. All the time this is going on around me there is a pull, on where I need to be. I am not sure what caused this change. I am also not sure this was a sudden change either, I think I have been busy running all over the place that we I finally felt the pull it was like being pulled into a swimming pool dressed in your Sunday best!



Joe and I have what I call The Annual F(&# You Fight. We had that a few weeks ago about my feelings. I am not really sure where he stands on things until he gets pissed with me…Well, I know where he stands. My daily goal is to make my BIG goal a reality. Everyday is what can we cut back on? Would that be cheaper with someone else? We are not eating out as much. In the past two weeks we have been out once for Valentines Day with the kids. That is it, we were at least one a week eater outers! Had the goal of leaving work in May to spend the summer with the kids but that is not going to happen for a veriety of reason. No one is to blame for this just where we are in our journey.



The people who know what is going on with me and my pull(s)…they all say to pray about it. Yes, I know that…but the praying what got all this preying on my mind. Now, I feel kind of stuck but… then I feel like God would not have placed this urging in me if He did not have the answers, right? RIGHT!



Joe says that I think up something and it is all I can think about and then it is off to something else. Well, that may be true but I do not think so in this case…REALLY!



Apparently, I have this fierce momma lion thing going on with a family member. I feel the need to take out the crazy women who caused this huge drama with this small family member…I don’t know what that is all about but everything about the situation pisses me to the extreme…



As far as the court thing…really I thought I would be more upset. I am not I do not like talking about but everyone just wants to make sure Cayden and I are okay with everything. No, not really but what I can do about it now. I had a SHITTY lawyer that was more worried about the amount of money I had paid him; he named the price not us than protecting Cayden. He talked a big game but in the end I was left crying for Cayden and he was looking at the courthouse ceiling…Really, no lie.



In the past, I would have stepped into crazy over the ass that cause all this in the first place and anyone that did not meet my standards but lately I find comfort in karma and in the end that what I say after the fact does not change much. I know that God has a plan. I know that God’s time is different from mine. I have learned to lay it at his feet…that is all I can do.



Well, the point of all this is…



So is this what growing up is…

- Not so much fight as flight?

- Not worrying about how I got to the point I am at in life, just dealing with the cards I have been dealt?

- Not stressing over things I can not control – which is everything- and almost going with the flow?

- Wanting to be with my family and no where else?

- Having a bad attitude and knowing but not quite sure how to fix it until…?

- Loving advise from just about anyone that will give it to me

- Not so worried about things anymore…worried more about people?

- Being aware of me – my likes, dislikes, happiness, sadness, love, and hates?

- Daring to be more than what the mold says I should be?

…..



There are plenty more but I am sure you are tired off my Jessica Ship that has set sail on the rocky waters of life.



I am not so sure this entry even makes sense or not…but….oh well



Have a great day!